I USED TO BE CREATIVE

To clarify I am still VERY creative but for a company. I am paid to be creative on demand. That can be difficult but exciting. I am trying to find the inner hustle, sparkle, drive to do this for myself again.

So while I am sorting out my things [AKA my life] I decided to take a trip down memory lane and take a peek at my college sketchbook. I am pretty impressed with it honestly.

There were acetate pockets, memories from my study abroad program at London College of Printing. I learned to silkscreen there among other things.

I got to see Damien Hirst in his heyday, well he’s always in constant heyday as far as I am concerned. He is an inspiration. I will get to posting about my favorite people another day.

Any way, I will start again to be creative for myself— I will start adding my illustration and painting projects and ideas, I will thumb through another sketch book perhaps.

I will get better at this I promise. I think I need another camera rig type item [suggestions appreciated]

Anyway while I listen to Death From Above 1979 I am thinking about my life. I lost my mom just over a month ago. I will unpack that another day. But I did happen to speak with a psychic medium randomly the day before the 1 month marker of my mom's passing. I waited 4 freakin' years for an appointment and they called all the way back in February, so I chose a lovely day in May to go visit with her. Who knew what life would deal our family and the world at that point, but her appointment couldn’t have come at a better time.

She said my Grandparents, mainly my grandmother told her to tell me I was talented. I shouldn’t doubt it. I was creative. I needed to know.

She also said my mom was proud of me and maybe I didn’t know it in life but from where she is now she needed to make sure I knew that [I REALLY needed to know this]. Again, it could be a whole other post with my learnings from this reading.

I am very talented. I am. I will be. I will do more. I will get back my mojo/juju/magic/sparkle. It has been dulled so long.

I am bipolar. I have clinical depression and anxiety. Now fibromyalgia is creeping in. I want these things to be normal and not used against me. I am a person with feelings. I just happen to have a mental illness, its chemical its not my choosing.

But my darkness has dulled my shine. I am clawing my way out of the dark hole. I have ideas. I truly do. Not just my Amy style drawing/collages/paintings. BUT large scale abstract paintings all in my brain. Something I never have done I don’t even know where to start but I see the colors and shapes in things [AKA my mess in my apartment but blurry and magnified].

I have ideas. I need to clear space not only in my apartment but in my mind.

Well I guess that is it… here is me fumbling around trying to share college Amy’s brain through her sketch book [man if I could go back]

Net take away on college Amy:

* She was un-diagnosed with mental illness. She struggled, A LOT.

* I was loved [its true! I had actual boyfriends!!] ALSO who was this dorm neighbor Alex?! I remember he was cute, funny, nice and from Connecticut. He gave me a photo of the war of the world spaceship that I silk screened on. He taped notes to my door. I liked him but I had a boyfriend, Jake who came to London with me. Alex, are you still out there?

* I randomly called myself KIT [there was a tagging phase I mean it was the 90's in NYC]

* I was in London when my beloved Grandma passed away—I had a crazy dream one night woke up and sent her a 5 page letter telling her how much she meant to me and gave her a little wool sheep from Scotland that I bought on a trip to Inverness. She died just days after my sister Donna randomly went to her house to get mail. Donna read the letter to her at the hospital. She was cremated wearing my sheep pin while I was in London clueless. Well... maybe not so much I woke up after a nightmare of loosing teeth, I called home my sister Jeanette who lived in Florida answered the phone I got confused. I remember asking why she was there and hearing her speaking loudly to my mom "we NEED to tell her" she did. I was all alone in a pay phone in cold dark London crying. Jake and I had a fight earlier that evening I stomped out of his flat alone to go to the phone booth. It still makes me sad to think about. If I dream about teeth falling out bad shit happens, ALWAYS.

* I was always creative, creating and excited

* I took a lot of post cards, picked a lot of stickers off things and cut tons of shit from news papers and magazines.

* I was brave even though I had no idea.

* I traveled!

OK BLAH BLAH BLAH I will post more on more of the following:

* Mental health— FUCK come on people let’s make this normal [well at least its my normal]

* My favorite people that I don’t know [there's many]
 
*The reading from the most amazing Medium [she told me to use my voice— she said she saw a blog, literally the day she told me this I had clicked onto this ancient museum of musings, last post 2013]

*Art stuff [my sketch books, paintings, drawings]
 
*Cool shit I see and like

Any way. I ramble its OK. I also write like Yoda speaks sometimes-- deal it it you will. If you made it here you are a true star ✨ I will be back with more.

*also to note, I abuse my [bracket] and [!!!!!] privileges

Mazzy Madness

Those of you who know me know that my cat Mazzy (11years old) is a huge pain in the ass starting at around 3 AM begging for food. I can't remember when exactly this started some time in the past 4 years or so. I haven't gotten a decent nights sleep except when I'm not home in 4 plus stinking annoying horrible years!!
 
I'm exhausted.

I cant just lock her out since her meowing and scratching at the door will definitely wake the neighbors. That's the last thing I need. You've all heard that gem of a story.

This AM operation ignore Mazzy failed. I've this tried in the past.
I've also tried squirt guns. They eventually end up leaking in my bed which is just gross to wake up to. I am not against threats "I will punch you in your cat face" is my new one.

I worry my neighbors next door and below will riot and blow me in at our board meetings for the constant racket.  I'm a light sleeper I'd be mega-pissed if I lived below me.

So last night I prepped for battle.  I strategically place my new throw rugs under my vanity so there would be no perfume bottle casualties (she knocks them off spitefully to break them if I don't get up-yes she knows). She next moves on to my Yoda alarm clock (where I placed some sweatpants on the floor to break his fall). Then moved on to the plug with the light switch (this was a new one). Only after stepping all over my body in very painful ways I made my first acknowledgement to her punk ass.
 
I felt I HAD to eventually get up (5 AM) since she began to scratch on my new throw rugs. That signaled to me spiteful peeing and I has to bust a move out of bed to prevent this tragedy because I really like them (and they are brand spanking new).

Even when I get up to feed her at say 3:30 AM she is an epic pain in the ass production since my other high maintenance cat Pipa (has diabetes and gluttonous tendencies) lurks trying to steal Mazzy's non dietetic food.

So this brings us to Mazzy's in and out of the bathroom routine. I put her bowl down and close the door. She eats for a minute. Scratches to come out. This repeats until she's had enough or I just get tired and leave the door open then of course Pipa  moves in.

The only successful part of today's mission is having the wits about me to feed Mazzy in the bedroom. Where she apparently feels safe enough to eat all of her food without the scratching at the door BS.

I've played with her at night. I've fed her extra at night. Even on my going out nights when she gets fed super late she still starts in super early. I'm baffled how this even started going on 4 plus years with horrible broken sleep EVERYDAY seems worse than having a newborn. An 11 year old spoiled princess cat worse than a baby.  Perhaps.

I'm headed back to sleep Mazzy is peacefully sleeping at the foot of my bed. Maybe I should poke and prod her awake? I'd step on her if I wouldn't crush her so she'd know how awful that was.

But no I will let her sleep. Cuz you never know when she could hold it against you and spitefully pee on your new throw rug. It seems only a matter of time. 

Mazzy Sleeping look cute.

 

Most likely a reason for a spiteful pee spree.

The water gun that leaked in my bed.

 Pipa in her "Thunder Shirt" AKA the girdle.

Somewhere in a ghetto Rainbow...

Tonight I had a lovely adventure with my best friend Bridget Ann. We end up in the most wacky places. Tonights adventure found us in a shop called RAINBOW. This is where we found our life changing rainbow striped hoodie dress. Watching tv and lounging about will never be the same. Tonight's sketch of the day goes to this ;) yay happyplacehoodieloungedress thingie!!!

DYNO-MITE!!

So in looooove with our fun sushi place. They have my new favorite roll the dynamite roll, it has spicy tuna, shrimp tempura, cucumbers, crispy yummy-ness on the rice and papaya on top. This roll is no joke!

I wish I took a real photo but didn't so I dedicated today's drawing of the day to it!!

Blank pages...

Forgive me Father for I have sinned--it has been 4 months since I last sketched in my sketchbook. Here is an oldie to inspire me to do my quick fun drawings of a random things that happened in my day :D

Need is an understatement.

Kind of need to have this in my car.

Just like my mini pitchfork (SO wish i had a photo) someone left behind at one of my Halloween parties, but much more clear and to the point.

Zombie Jesus meet Zombie Bunny!!

Just in time to celebrate the most epic of zombie tales... Easter!!




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