A few random thoughts on online dating…

I do always seem to end up finding the BEST comic book fodder EVER!! But is it worth the self-inflicted torture to get these great stories? As I am packing my bags to run far, far away from this ‘new’ dating site I will share some of my random thoughts on online dating…

Don’t feature a picture of yourself with your ex or your “sister” please, who are you fooling? I also don’t need to see your abs or a racy photo of your penis thru your underpants [although hilarious]. No thank you, you need not write to me. Since we’re on the topic of photos… you should actually look like yours--WTF deceivers also need not write.

Saying that you will ONLY date a younger lady and have no interest in dating a 30 something because we all are ‘baby obsessed’ and you are in no rush to have any kids any time soon isn’t really helping your cause. Especially since you are balding and a big ol’ douche bag. And besides all that I am not sure who you are kidding if you think you can score a girl 10 years younger than yourself. I wish I could command Z looking at your page--GROSS!!!

This, my friends is a perfect example of a deceiver; one whose photo appears to be handsome/pretty so you click on them to see their profile. Then when you click to see more pictures they are absolutely awful! Be lucky you found out now, and not on the actual date--some people just photograph better than they really look.

And while on this topic… people you can date up a number or possibly down one if that person is quirky enough and makes you laugh. If you are a cute girl you can go up 2 because cute goes a long way. But please don’t try to skip like 5 notches and email some one that is WAAAAAAAY out of your league. It may work in Hollywood but not here in real life.

Opening a message with 'hi hot lips' NEVER works. No matter how hot my lips are. You will need to find a more suitable opening for a message.

Please, if I don’t respond it is not necessary to send me hate emails--that is just rude!! I am sure that people don’t reply to EVERY SINGLE PERSON that writes to them. It isn't just me.

If you are lucky enough to make it to a date please DON’T DO THE FOLLOWING:

blow cigarette smoke into my face, expound on how amazing you think you are, make me swear to secrecy when you tell me about your movie idea [which sucks anyway], tell me about your ‘witch’ ex [yes, a real witch] then tell me how your were once possessed by said ex, ‘forget’ to tip the bartender, not pay for your ½ or at least for 1 of my drinks, be a racist, drive drunk, get wasted, sit too close [me moving away is a clear sign of my fear/disgust], touch me inappropriately, be late, invite a friend [who I will happen to like better than you--do us both a favor and go home], tell me how you work with retards [because you think I will like the fact that you are a ‘giver’. If you really did work with these folks you wouldn’t call them retards!], tell me that you are a psychologist/psychiatrist [I get picked apart enough with out dating a REAL psychologist/psychiatrist], talk shit about cats, be allergic to cats, let your dog lick you in the mouth [inside your mouth--WTF!!], tell me the things I like are creepy/scary, make me feel stupid because I like something you don’t, tell me you are reading war and peace again, you don’t own TV because TV is the devil [you are safe if you watch online], ask if I read magazines and when I answer yes, get all uppity about me being a part of the decline of our nation [I read fashion magazines really?!], get snobby about books/movies/music, smell funny [if you do I am leaving!], cut your food up into tiny little pieces [it is a hamburger not a pizza!], lie about your age [I obviously know now thanks you deceiver a-hole!], try to kiss me when you know full well I am NOT interested-- when I don’t or pull away then stomp your feet in a rage that scares me so much that I feel unsafe on my walk to the train, in fact I HAVE run home from many of these horrible dates [seriously a FULL ON run].

Ok the list could go on and on… I have been on so many horrible dates it gets tedious. You may think this list of sorts makes me a bitch… maybe it does.

Maybe I am too hard on people I don’t think so really, I am sure people are just as hard as me when it comes to online dating--come on, like you don’t do the same thing. I am just the one who is writing it out here for all to see.

This makes me happy :)

Yeah it really does...

Oh how i loves me some Noel Fielding and he looks sooooooo fabulous as Vince Noir, i am slightly jealous.

Who'd have thought i would have learned how to better rock a headband--and you know that i can really rock a headband-- i am liking how he has his hair in the back :) thank you Noel, thank you!!

SWOOOOOOOOOOOOON <3

a VERY fresh perspective

Let me tell you about magazines... high fashion and fabulous to us. Confusing and slightly scary to a 12 and 9 year old.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my nieces [my nephew too, but this story focuses more on them]. They innocently sing to Taylor Swift and All American Rejects about their dirty little secrets... I am weary of this but I bought them rock band so i cannot bring that up.

This past weekend I spent with them their grandmother brought magazines over for my sister, she "gets them from the home shopping network, but would never read these kinds of magazines." my mom gets them too so I benefit from them when I visit her.

So here we are my family and family in-law actually interested in what I do for a living and hey one of the ads I have worked on is in one of said magazines.

Fast forward to my 12 year old niece taking in the photo editorial of Britney Spears, my sister thinks her kids are twins but Alissa knows that they are brothers. Girl is with it.

But when she sees Brit Brit in a fabulous blue feathery coat sitting in a cage [see below] some questions and interesting observations arise.

"She looks like cookie monster, who would wear this it is scary"
"Why is she in a cage" Brianna pipes in

Then we flip on to see an editorial where one of the models is dressed like a man, she has a mustache and all [very prettily painted on, I would have torn this spread out because it is pretty with great accessories, but I digress] There is a debate between the 2 girls over whether it is a man or not, I explain how her make-up is put on for her to look like this >> it blows their minds "why isn’t it just a man?"





We continue to flip thru the magazine and come across a Calvin Klein ad with Eva Mendes [thank goodness she has clothes on in this one] "Aunt Amy why is she all wet?" a question that I have no answer to. Why IS she all wet? it is a very interesting thing.

They watch TV, they read twilight [even thought they weren’t supposed to] so to see this reaction was sweet. The "haute" fashion that we so regularly take advantage of... it was nice to get a fresh innocent perspective on.

One batty day on vacation

The day started when Rob noticed the bats while we were eating breakfast... Libby and I thought it was strange that they were out in the daytime. Upon closer examination there were 3 bats and sadly only 1 was still alive. She was caught in the outside frame of the window. Her trapped wing was totally damaged. 

Obviously as a bat lover, I went into hysterics. I couldn't stop crying. Sam went to check things out; he was discouraged when he couldn't pry the wood loose. Libby and Slav went into action calling animal control. There were 3 phone calls back to Libby about the bat. We were all pretty amazed that people cared to call us back. 

DO NOT TOUCH IT was the advice; some one is on the way. 1/2 an hour later I am still sobbing thinking how awful it must be for her to be stuck and scared, not only that but to be stuck with her dead friends :( Jake made fun of me for giving human traits to the bat. Then he saw that my crying wasn't stopping so he and Sam went into action. 

Sam was bundled up in all his log sleeve items and a scarf. He had found the fireplace gloves and made a "net" to catch her out of a water jug. To quote Sam: "I always wear this whilst rescuing bats!"

I am still not clear on how he and Jake pried the wood apart, but Sam said he lifted her out carefully. 
Jake took the bat in the jug covered with a towel outside, I ran up to see her and she was gone, Jake put her in the woods behind the house, not far, but out of the jug. So we had to get her back in since we got another call from a woman who said she would come get her. Lucky for the little bat and us Patricia Winters had just called. 

Jake tried to push her in with a stick Thinking that may injure her I ran to get a thin fly swatter to put under her so she would go inside the box-- she wasn't having it. Eventually she did crawl onto my glove. And I really just was so smitten I wanted to keep her or kiss her, but everyone yelled in unison for me to put her in the box. 

We waited for a while but when no one came-- we were worried. Then there was another phone call: could we bring the bat to her? Luckily Patricia lived a short drive from our house. We walked up the driveway to see her car, the license plate read "bat mam" I was so excited!! 

She invited us ALL in she was worried that such a large group wouldn't fit in her "bat room", Luke remarking that shouldn't it be called a bat cave? 

Once inside the room we saw lots of instruments and magnifying tools she used on the bats, oh and lots of mini boxes. She called them bat boxes for them to live in. 

She examined "Sam" we named her that in the car, since Sam was the bravest in the rescue>> in all fairness we did throw around a combo of Jake and Sam>> but "smake" didn't sound so nice. Her official name is "Samantha Libby Slav Schipano Wallace".

She showed use her little teeth; she was missing her lower canine. And she was sad to see that she was missing all her fingers but she still had her thumb, which meant her wing wouldn't ever work again :( she told us all that Sam would become a "classroom bat" that she would have a new life teaching kids about bats. From hanging on close to death to a new life filled with happiness. For all parties involved. 

After she settled Sam in her bat box she showed us a few of the many species of bats that had been brought to her to rehabilitate. It was an amazing experience and I am thinking of a new career as a "bat mam' :) 

* thank you Micaela for the wonderful pictures & Aggie for hugging me *

Sam in her box post rescue.

The Bat mobile :D

I was such a cry baby that day. Look how tiny Sam is!

Patricia told us all about Sam. This is her good wing.

One of Sam's new Bat friends.

To learn more about the AMAZING Patricia Winters check out some of the links below:

http://creec.edgateway.net/cs/creecp/view/creec_org/352

http://www.sfweekly.com/2000-11-08/news/save-the-bats/

http://media.www.laneytower.com/media/storage/paper1008/news/2009/09/17/Features/Bat-Maam.Returns-3776290.shtml

http://www.pacificsun.com/story.php?story_id=2539

feed your head

I saw this in a liquor store display from the bus window a while back-- if I didn't HAVE to be some where prompt I would have jumped off to snatch this fabulous gem up!!



Now mind you after some research I have found that this Vodka is between 49-69 very fancy dollars. But that skull bottle just maybe worth it all for my frequent Halloween entertaining. I will seek out an online deal-- it will be my new mission.

Check out Dan Aykroyd selling the wonders of this apparently very delicious vodka. It is fun but 8 minutes...


If you don't have 8 minutes you can check out the "PC guy" breaking his character by using a mac to film his tasting. They tell me since it is flipped it is filmed on a mac. His glasses make him kinda hip>> Mac guy watch out!!

Can I get an Amen?!

Last week Sara Bell discovered a Cheeto shaped as she described “like a praying figure in robe.” 

She and her husband are keeping the “Cheesus” in a clear plastic watch box, covered with a tissue blanket. It really is precious. Both that they call him "Cheesus" AND that they made him a little bed :D!! 

This seems to me a sign that Jesus wants us to eat cheetos! 

Her husband Dan Bell, said they are considering placing the item up for sale on eBay. 

"How much do you think we should ask for it? It could be 25 cents,could be 25 dollars. If it's only 25 cents, we're just going to eat it," he said. 

Eat the Cheesus?? Hmmmmm… 

Mind you while this Cheeto is shaped like the body of Christ, Cheetos will not be replacing the Eucharist at church anytime soon—that would just be blasphemous!!

It just leaves me to wonder if the “Cheesus” is a regular ol' fried Cheeto or of the less indulgent “baked” variety.

Now that's a statement!!

Thanks to my buddy Rob, it was brought to my attention that there are some swine flu masks with a sense of humor-- YESSSSS i knew it!!! check them out: