A few random thoughts on online dating…

I do always seem to end up finding the BEST comic book fodder EVER!! But is it worth the self-inflicted torture to get these great stories? As I am packing my bags to run far, far away from this ‘new’ dating site I will share some of my random thoughts on online dating…

Don’t feature a picture of yourself with your ex or your “sister” please, who are you fooling? I also don’t need to see your abs or a racy photo of your penis thru your underpants [although hilarious]. No thank you, you need not write to me. Since we’re on the topic of photos… you should actually look like yours--WTF deceivers also need not write.

Saying that you will ONLY date a younger lady and have no interest in dating a 30 something because we all are ‘baby obsessed’ and you are in no rush to have any kids any time soon isn’t really helping your cause. Especially since you are balding and a big ol’ douche bag. And besides all that I am not sure who you are kidding if you think you can score a girl 10 years younger than yourself. I wish I could command Z looking at your page--GROSS!!!

This, my friends is a perfect example of a deceiver; one whose photo appears to be handsome/pretty so you click on them to see their profile. Then when you click to see more pictures they are absolutely awful! Be lucky you found out now, and not on the actual date--some people just photograph better than they really look.

And while on this topic… people you can date up a number or possibly down one if that person is quirky enough and makes you laugh. If you are a cute girl you can go up 2 because cute goes a long way. But please don’t try to skip like 5 notches and email some one that is WAAAAAAAY out of your league. It may work in Hollywood but not here in real life.

Opening a message with 'hi hot lips' NEVER works. No matter how hot my lips are. You will need to find a more suitable opening for a message.

Please, if I don’t respond it is not necessary to send me hate emails--that is just rude!! I am sure that people don’t reply to EVERY SINGLE PERSON that writes to them. It isn't just me.

If you are lucky enough to make it to a date please DON’T DO THE FOLLOWING:

blow cigarette smoke into my face, expound on how amazing you think you are, make me swear to secrecy when you tell me about your movie idea [which sucks anyway], tell me about your ‘witch’ ex [yes, a real witch] then tell me how your were once possessed by said ex, ‘forget’ to tip the bartender, not pay for your ½ or at least for 1 of my drinks, be a racist, drive drunk, get wasted, sit too close [me moving away is a clear sign of my fear/disgust], touch me inappropriately, be late, invite a friend [who I will happen to like better than you--do us both a favor and go home], tell me how you work with retards [because you think I will like the fact that you are a ‘giver’. If you really did work with these folks you wouldn’t call them retards!], tell me that you are a psychologist/psychiatrist [I get picked apart enough with out dating a REAL psychologist/psychiatrist], talk shit about cats, be allergic to cats, let your dog lick you in the mouth [inside your mouth--WTF!!], tell me the things I like are creepy/scary, make me feel stupid because I like something you don’t, tell me you are reading war and peace again, you don’t own TV because TV is the devil [you are safe if you watch online], ask if I read magazines and when I answer yes, get all uppity about me being a part of the decline of our nation [I read fashion magazines really?!], get snobby about books/movies/music, smell funny [if you do I am leaving!], cut your food up into tiny little pieces [it is a hamburger not a pizza!], lie about your age [I obviously know now thanks you deceiver a-hole!], try to kiss me when you know full well I am NOT interested-- when I don’t or pull away then stomp your feet in a rage that scares me so much that I feel unsafe on my walk to the train, in fact I HAVE run home from many of these horrible dates [seriously a FULL ON run].

Ok the list could go on and on… I have been on so many horrible dates it gets tedious. You may think this list of sorts makes me a bitch… maybe it does.

Maybe I am too hard on people I don’t think so really, I am sure people are just as hard as me when it comes to online dating--come on, like you don’t do the same thing. I am just the one who is writing it out here for all to see.